A while ago, I had a beautiful encounter with The Lord. I wrote about it in my journal, and haven’t been able to get it off my mind ever since. Over and over again, I sense a reminder of this lesson I learned on my living room floor.
I woke up on this particular day, feeling like God wanted to speak to me. Honestly, I was tired, and a little grumpy. But I knew I needed to pull myself up from the funk, so I took a shower and listened to some worship music. When I got out, the boys were watching YouTube videos their daddy had started on the TV. Our boys are both loving the song “I Just Need You” by TobyMac and the video is also a hit. From there, I just let it play because I knew I needed it.
After I came out and started my coffee, I turned to head into the living room. Both boys were in the living room, but sitting in different places. Both reached for me in some way as I walked in (listen, they’re boys – they both wanted me, Mama knows the signs for “come snuggle me” ;)). I found myself wanting to be in two places at once, even though they were in the same room. I wanted to go to them both first. I wanted them both to feel special and loved and chosen. I was struck with this overwhelming desire and pull to go to them both. To hug them and love on them in the special way they each need – it’s different, but the same love from their Mama.
I hesitated – this was impossible. I literally felt like I was choosing between my kids.
All of this happened in maybe 2.5 seconds, of course. And I made a choice to go to one, and then to the other. I pulled the first into the floor with me as I went to the second. I gave snuggles and kisses and had both boys in my lap for a minute, as they continued to watch YouTube videos of (what had turned into) live worship performances.
But I still felt, in that moment, a distinct feeling of lacking. I couldn’t be with them both at all times. I can be here for them, but whether they are in different places in the same room, different places in the house, or different places altogether – I can’t be with them both all the time. And I certainly can’t choose them both first every time. I’ll constantly have to choose between them in different ways, because I am just one person and they are (obviously) two.
I felt like I was not enough to give them what I wanted for them. I have quite honestly never felt this lack as clearly as I did on that day.
And I asked God: “How do I do this? Wait, how do You do this?”
Immediately, the answer so clearly came to me: “Hannah, I lack nothing. I never have to choose. I go to all of my children at once and at all times.”
No, the voice wasn’t audible, but this is exactly what He communicated to me in that moment.
As the tears started to form, He reassured me: “I am always with your boys too. You cannot be, but I can. Do your best. Do what I ask of you, and I will fill in the gaps.”
And I smiled (and cried), and sang the song I heard coming over the TV at that point, “So Will I” by Bethel. It was perfect for the moment. I knew it was no coincidence, and as I sang, both boys – who had wandered away as fast as they had gotten in my lap at first – came and sat with me.
I sang the song and tears of gratefulness fell down my face.
He is so much more and so much bigger and wider and more amazing than we will ever be able to fully grasp on this side of Heaven, but I am so grateful for the reminder He gave me that day. He lacks nothing.